Over the last month I’ve
loved liked and lost … And won a little too. But mostly I learned to be grateful for the peace that comes along with making good decisions for myself. Decisions that remind me that being alone doesn’t make me (or anyone else that’s single) “pathetically lonely,” so take that Kelly Clarkson. Decisions that remind me that the past can be an excellent predictor of the future. And speaking of the past …
Take Pocket Beau, my tiny ex boyfriend who instituted “The 18 Days of Pretty,” a gift for the number of days leading up to my birthday. I’ve never really discussed him. At 5’2″ he was a glorious little guy with a heart of gold and the tenacity of a slug. He shared an 8,000 square ft. loft with Ellie Mae, his psychotic ex girlfriend from
Deliverance rural Alabama. Instead of putting her out, he passive aggressively moved into my 627 square foot flat in an effort to “smoke her out.” Wrong. We parted ways a month into his move. *In my Gram Gram’s voice* “You don’t have to go home, but you couldn’t stay here doll.”
And how could I possibly forget Lights, Camera, Action, my hot ex who got white boy wasted on something and called my favorite Uncle “Black Ceasar,” the 70s pimp and drug lord. Well, turns out he’s sobered up and did a complete 180. You might recall I ran into him at the market a few months ago with Artemis, his 6’1″
Titan Glamazon girlfriend. Well guess what … The Glamazon wears a size 13 shoe is pregnant! Isn’t that a steaming hot f*cking mess super exciting?!? My point is, Lights, Camera, Action was never incapable of committing. He was just incapable of committing to me. See the difference?
And while we’re on the topic of “differences” let’s discuss Straight Eye for the Queer Guy, my
super gay tri-curious ex who couldn’t decide “whether or not he liked boys or girls.” You may remember he shared that little nugget with me while we were looking at engagement rings. Well guess what … He’s getting married … to a girl … with a vagina! TF!!! Hooray!!! So I guess you could say in the end vaginas love won.
Historically, impossible relationships were one of my special gifts. And the last few months have been the rule and not the exception. I was never the girl who fell for the Nino Browns’ or Dylan McCays’ of the world. In fact, I was always the girl who ironically fell for their attorney or perhaps their good-on-paper best friend. But this isn’t about the attorneys or even the non-attorneys I’ve dated. This is about me embracing the old adage “What’s dead should stay dead.” And yes, that is a quote from Pet Cemetery.
To celebrate this I’ve decided to compile a list (in no particular order) of the 33 Reasons that WE Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together. Enjoy!
33 Reasons WE Are Never Getting Back Together
1. You have a heart like Hitler. Yes, that Hitler. The one with the tiny mustache. That guy.
2. You’re a taker. A living parasite. It’s who you are … and what you do.
3. You put the “FU” in dys”fu”nctional.
4. You’re a one trick pony. #SexualSnoozeFest
5. Your favorite person is You! You think you’re amazing!! *Spolier Alert* You’re not. Sorry.
6. Absence makes the heart grow… independent. (I read this on Huffington Post earlier today and it reminded me of you).
7. The majority of your ex’s don’t like you.
8. Those weird Science shows you watch. Pass.
I think you might be You are a borderline an alcoholic.
10. Your hands are unusually small for man. I don’t know how that would translate to our children. #BabyHands
11. My sisters and my friends don’t like you. At all. Not even a little bit.
12. That thing you do when you isolate yourself in
the wilderness your flat to menstrate “think about things” you conveniently NEVER bring up again.
13. Your life lacks balance. There are other people who do what you do and still manage to have healthy functioning relationships.
14. I don’t trust you because you’re not trustworthy.
15. Your inability to show up … like ever.
16. You’re really grouchy in the morning. Really grouchy. Get over yourself.
17. Even though that other guy is more obnoxious, he’s wayyyyyy more fun (and everything that implies).
18. I couldn’t see a future with you.
19. I’m happiest when we’re apart.
20. You’re the least romantic person I’ve ever known. A bleeding ulcer is more romantic than you are.
21. Oral. You should try doing it more often.
22. You’re rude. To everyone. Stop. I’ve apologized to servers at restaurants we’ve eaten at together for the way you spoke to them.
23. The way you speak to me reminds me of the husband from “Sleeping With the Enemy.” That’s not a compliment.
24. You don’t really know who you are or what you want.
25. You don’t get me. “Well, maybe it’s time to be clear about who I am. I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love. And I don’t think that love is here in this expensive suite, in this lovely hotel, in Paris. It’s not your fault. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have come here.” – Carry Bradshaw
26. You think #25 ^^^^ is stupid and unrealistic. And if you ever read it you’d roll your eyes and sigh and make a joke about it because that’s what you do.
27. You’re always comparing yourself to “Next Man” or “Ex” man. Maybe if you spent more time thinking of ways to please me we may have had a chance. Then again … No, no we wouldn’t have.
28. Our love languages are different and you never cared to learn about mine.
29. Your Ex.
30. You’re afraid of change.
31. We bring out the worst in each other.
32. If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be wrong.
33 You’re so vain … I bet you think this post is about you.
Look me in face … I ain’t got no worries 😉