Take Your Panties Off or not.
I haven’t written in sometime now … partly due to the fact that I am 72% positive that I either A. Have a Tape Worm or B. Am experiencing a false pregnancy, as I am ALWAYS hungry and tired (and not in that order). But I digress …
As you know, in the past impossible relationships have been one of my special talents and the summer of 2013 has yet to disappoint me in that area. Earlier this year I thought I’d finally rid myself of the recurring and ever obnoxious LLF (Little Lord Farquad). Turns out that was a lie. After an awkward exchange that ended with me fast walking to the car during a Keith Sweat concert (yes, the 80s R&B Heart throb, that Keith Sweat) to the tune of “Don’t Stop Your Love.” We managed to not speak for several weeks until running into one another at the corner of Sexual Catnip and Six-Degrees-of-We-Live-in-the-Smallest-City-Ever. Oh, and did I mention we currently live four short buildings away from one another? True story.
Alas, this entry has little to do with LLF and everything to do with me continuing to distance myself from toxic relationships in general. As a result, I managed to form a rather unlikely friendship with let’s call him “Gulliver’s Travels” or “Gulliver.”
Gulliver and I met five years ago through a mutual friend who weekended as a part-time event promoter (during the week, he was an ER physician). Gulliver’s attractive, cultured and has traveled to nearly every continent (minus Antarctica) for work hence the name “Gulliver’s Travels.” At the time, he had a girlfriend and I was dating the Dr. Feel Good and well … timing is everything. **Cut to present day**
A few months ago, when the weather changed I began taking my dog on long brisk walks through the City Center. It was on one of these walks that I spied Gulliver, which was interesting because the last time I saw him he was en route to Emirates for a project.
“Gullllllliver!! Gullllllliver” I shrilled. “Gulllivverrrrrr!!”
:..::Crickets…::: Not a creature was stirring, not even a obligatory hand wave.
Well this is super awkward. Maybe it’s not him. What do you mean? Of course it’s him. Quick, pretend like you’re screaming Gulliver at the dog. She’s deaf … she won’t know the difference. Just as I was about to scream “Gulliver, Gulliver!” at my little deaf angel. He shouted “Pretty? Is that you?”
Whew. Nice save by the defense. Way to go Spartans!
“Oh hey!, my dog is so crazy … her name is Savannah-Claire, but we call her Gulliver for short … and she likes to eat Pop Tarts … so anyways enough about her, what are you up to?” I ramble when I’m nervous. #Quirks Our conversation was brief, but just long enough for me to be intrigued. A few weeks later, our paths crossed again at a birthday party. We got reacquainted over Fire Ball shots, which P.S. if you have acid reflux (I do), I would highly not recommend. You’ve been warned.
Several bars and fire ball shots later, we found ourselves hugging good bye and I did what any
a-little-bit-drunk woman classy lady in my position would have; I got the hell outta there! As the clock struck midnight, I gave him a sweet kiss on the lips and bolted like I had a mice pulled pumpkin coach and fairy God Mother waiting for me outside. No exchanging of the numbers … no call me if you want to hang out. No nothing. I’m not sure why I did it, but part of me thinks that I enjoy those random encounters. The other part of me … the part with the unfertilized 33 year old eggs thinks I’m crazy for running out on a guy whose genes would mesh perfectly with my own. Did I mention he’s 6’3 with perfectly Egyptian bronzed skin?
A few weeks passed and No Gulliver. Until, a chance meeting at a baseball game. I was there with a mutual friend of ours and guess who we end up sitting next to? If you guessed Gulliver, you’re right! *Cue the Showcase Showdown Theme Music*
Gulliver, who happens to be on a “hang” with a soft talker (this is important) is a box of nachos and a soft pretzel away from me. As a general rule of thumb if a man is entertaining another lady I’m not one to pull a “The Bachelorette” can-I-steal-him-away-from-you. I hate those women. However, when Gulliver and mutual friend bromanced their way back to the concessions for Blue Moons and more soft pretzels, soft talker has a Dr. Phil moment and tells me in the two years she has dated her boyfriend, she’s never been to his home. “Do you think he’s married?” Uhmmmm, pretty much? *I shrugged* “I mean, it definitely sounds suspicious for sure, maybe you already know the answer.” Translation: a deceased Helen Keller can tell you this dude’s married. TF.
Once “Who Let the Dogs Out” came over the loud speaker and transported us back to 2002, I missed the second half of her denile is not just a river in Egypt speech, so I just nodded and alternated “That’s crazy” and “Are your serious?” Trust me, both lend themselves well to the dramatic pause. Thankfully, once Gulliver and mutual friend returned things were briefly normal again … until they weren’t.
Soft talker is soft talking to Gulliver, I’m talking to mutual friend about something, close to nothing when Gulliver shouts … “TAKE YOUR PANTIES OFF?” Wait, what? Did he just say take your panties off? Yes, yes he did.
So I turn and look at his face which is equally puzzled in disbelief as if he’s trying to solve the age old riddle … Which came first the awkward person or the awkward moment?
Soft talker continues talking and Gulliver struggles to read her lips. “Are your serious?” I say.
“Yes” she whispers. Soft talk … soft talk … soft talk … doctors appointment … soft talk … take off.”
“Ohhhhhhh, you said you’re taking tomorrow off?”
Soft talk … soft talk … head nod, yes.
Gulliver who at this point is doubled over laughing looks up at me and mouths “I can’t understand anything she says.”
I smiled. “I knowwww” I mouth back. Are we having a moment? My non-date, date completely oblivious to the entire exchange. He was enthralled with French macaroons he’d eaten earlier in the day.
When the game was over, as fate would have it Soft Talker and Mutual Friend were parked in the same lot and Gulliver and I, another. He offered to walk me to my car and I, not wanting to be abducted and shoved into the back of The Zodiac Killer’s work van happily accepted.
“Soft Talker is nice” I said. “Have you guys been dating long?” I was fishing.
“Actually, we’re neighbors. She’s never been to one of the games and I had an extra ticket so …”
“So, you suggested she take her panties off?” I laughed. “You don’t waste any time.”
“Man, she is a really soft talker? I couldn’t understand anything she was saying.”
Before I knew it we’d been talking for an hour and a half. He suggested we grab a drink at a local pub. And then hookah … and then waffles. It was the perfect impromptu non-date, date. The kind that makes you want to come home and write a blog post about it. And the best part … I never even took my panties off. Smile.
Stay tuned …