For the two of you who
are bored at work read this blog, Apologies for the extended hiatus. I’ve been busy ca$hin’ checks and snappin’ necks and by that I mean I’ve been training introverts to be extroverts. Which sucks is super fun!! Trust me it probably reads more interesting than it sounds OR not. Oh and … I officially relocated back to Sweet Home #RollTide. Finally parted ways with NSsA (Not So Starving Artist). Met THE Pefect Guy … Found out he was bat sh*t insane not so perfect. Became the pet equivalent of a Gram Gram (Charles Barkley The Shih Tzu had puppies). Fell in love with my ex … Again. Re-united with LLF (Little Lord Farquaad) … Only to remember why I have un-united with him over … and over … and over for the last FOUR years of my life. Which brings us into present day …
Actually, I should probably preface this with a “How I Met
Sir Douche-A-Lot Your Mother ” monologue. I will try and keep it brief … See timeline below.
1997- Jr. Prom with Wesley – Websters’, yes the little guy from the 80s Sitcom Stunt Double. Not really but this guy was the reverse Benjamin Button. He was 18 and didn’t look a day over 4 and 1/2. True story. Wesley’s bff, LLF, assisted in washing our prom chariot, A baby blue Ford Tempo. I met him that night and we were fast friends.
2002 – The Black Swan. Wesley transformed into a 6′-4″ Mandingo – we “officially” dated for two weeks and broke up after he confessed he had sex with a girl and her mother … AT THE SAME TIME!!!!! After parting ways with Wesley, LLF and I maintained a harmless friendship. How harmless? He had permed hair and a pony tail. That harmless.
2008 THE Break-UP. I’d broken up with Straight Eye for the Queer Guy, and LLF was the only guy I felt
was heterosexual comfortable hanging out with. By this time he was sans perm and pony tail. He was also dating a Bad Girls Club reject but I digress … Some time after they broke up and I was single we had “a moment.” And by “had a moment,” I mean we had wayyyyy to many cocktails. Throw in a few Rick James songs and a shady Karaoke bar and you’ve got a recipe for a no strings attached disaster. That was four years and two failed relationships ago.
Despite our best efforts at times, it’s beyond obvious that we are destined to remain a couple- of humans. So what do you when someone is completely obnoxious and as loveable as crotch critter outbreak during Spring Break? All together now kids … “Stage a Friendtervention!!” What’s that kids?? “STAGE A FRIEND-TER-VENTION!!” That’s exactly right!
What’s a friendtervention you ask? A friendtervention is an orchestrated attempt by one or many people – usually family and friends – to get someone to seek professional help with an addiction or some kind of traumatic event or crisis like being sketchy or a pill popping slore or you know … whatever.
Friendterventions are either direct, typically involving a non-confrontational meeting with individual in question, or indirect, involving an e-mail, because unless you drive a Fiat – gas is hella expensive and B*tches Be Crazy. You could also send a text, but you run the risk of looking like a crazy person.
Plans for a friendtervention are generally made by a concerned group of family, friends, and counselor(s). Or in my case, myself along with the dogs. Because I’ve parted ways with LLF so many times, I fear my friends may stage a counter-friendtervention or as we like to call it “Stop Being a Crazy B*tch! and Date Someone who’s not crazy-ervention.” Regardless, the “Friend” is not included in the decision making process for planning the friendtervention. Remember loose lips … sink ships. So shut the fudge up Judy Bloom!
The friend-tervensionist (That’s You or in this case, Me) prepare a letter in which they describe their experiences associated with the friend’s behavior, to convey to the person the impact his or her behavior has had on others (namely You, or in this case, Me). My suggestion is that you start things off on a positive note. I often use this tactic in business when I’m training and/or terminating staff. It goes something like this … “XYZ, you’ve done a great job connecting with clients, however, your failure to comply with the rules of your contract is grounds for termination. You is smart … you is kind … you is fired.”
See how easy that was? Compliment + Bad News + Compliment = Softened blow.
Having said that … I leave you with a copy of my recent Friendtervention Letter to LLF. **Note** Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Also, you may want to hit the spell/grammar check before sending your letter. It loses it’s zest when you mean to say “You’re a douche” and it reads “Your douche.” Don’t you hate it when that happens?
Enjoy 🙂 And Happy Friend-terventioning.
I will never forget the day that I saw you outside Whole Foods. You were wearing fitted dark denim jeans, a smedium burgundy tee-shirt, cowboy boots and sunglasses. You’d just gotten Stanley and went in to purchase a snack for your elderly looking slore gf Brittany. And I remember calling Beyonce* and telling her that I thought you looked a little Downsy were cute, which was interesting because I’d never really noticed you before. A year and a half later, you could no longer control your urges for me and showed it by getting wasted and singing a Rick James classic, “Give It To Me Baby.” Then you gave it to me baby and by “gave it to me” I mean you bought me breakfast from The Market the following morning which I thought was very sweet because, let’s face it … I’m pretty much always hungry. That was almost 5 years ago.
Our friendship as of now is slipping away. Lately I’ve not looked forward to seeing you, because you are always being sketchy. When I almost peed on myself a few Sundays ago. As you may recall, I drank an entire bottle of Pink Champagne at Piedmont Park and was sweating profusely from my boobs, mortified, thinking that I might p*ss my pants, I felt my entire life flash in front of me. And I drunk dialed you and you said “Don’t come over here because your dogs stink.”
That was really hurtful and if that judgmental little girl who kept asking “Why I didn’t have any children at (my) age?” wouldn’t have watched Charles Barkley and Van, I probably would have peed myself. THEN, if that wasn’t enough, I had to drunk drive myself to the Arby’s because all of the trucks ran out of food and Charles nearly heat stroked. That is just one example of how your super sketch behavior has affected me (AND the dogs). Not to mention the night you asked me to go to the Opening Ceremony Reception for The Film Festival (after the foodie event we went to together) and when I called you the next day, you said “You didn’t know what I was talking about and that you had to celebrate Kelley Rowland’s birthday” (even though you celebrated a few months ago). No one has TWO birthday’s unless they are adopted, a bone marrow recipient or Jesus (because even though you’re Atheist – he arose on the 3rd day #Fact). AND Lastly, last Friday night was essentially the proverbial nail in the coffin. How do you ask someone to go out with you — leave without them — THEN tell them to come meet you, even though they have no idea whatsoever where you are. Who does that?? **In my Scarface voice** … “You, dats who.” Your super sketch behavior is tearing our friendship apart and this is killing us.
Life has got to change. I can no longer live in fear of peeing my pants or being stood up. I deserve to live a healthy life not worrying about your incessant morning grouchiness, weird black toe nail (I know you said it’s genetic, but I did not find anything to support your claims on the internet) and selfish Aquarius ways. Maybe you need to read up on Pisces, the most loveable sign of the Zodiac. Ask anyone.
Regardless, I will not be around for much longer, as I am getting much older. I’ll be 30 in 6 years. If you do not seek help today, I will turn my head and walk the other direction. I will not allow your addiction to being sketchy affect me anymore. Please! Will you stop being sketchy today? In an effort to stop your sketchiness I propose the following …
- If we make plans and you are not able to follow through with the plan – I need to be notified ASAP. This means you will contact me via cell or text to let me know things have changed at your earliest indication. If you know it’s Kelley Rowland’s 3rd Birthday (this year) and we are not going to do XYZ – let me know so that I am not tying up my day/night.
- Please stop asking Stanley to “Give her your toy.” I don’t want it. Ever. Seriously.
- If you don’t want to be hot, I deserve a blanket or a hoodie … or a shirt with some sleeves. Because I eat mostly vegetables and cake, I don’t have as much iron in my blood. So I’m always cold, except when I’m not.
- Stop being a hater. I am ready to marry and have babies. I would like to do those things relatively soon. Since we are not going to be together, please stop saying I like short, gay men. That happened 1.5 times – everyone else I’ve date has been 100% straight – I think.
- Lastly, I like reality television shows. If I am at your house and Keeping Up with The Kardashians, Bill & Guiliana, Tia & Tamera, The Braxton Family Values OR Vince and Tamar comes on – stop changing the channel to your weird Science exploration channel. It’s boring. I will watch with you sometimes, but I don’t want to know about the super secretive underground rail road of atoms. It’s boring. It makes my head hurt. I don’t like it.
I close with this fun fact … Did you know the first friendtervention took place in 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue. Sucks to be the girl Columbus spent all of his time with before hopping on a boat, never to hear from him again. Coincidentally, some of the note’s content was later used in Beyonce’s “Best Thing I Never Had” song. #GoogleIt