To Weave or Not to Weave ~ Adventures in Hair Extensions

“Weaven” Steven Noss, Pittsburgh, tweaks model Tamika Parham’s hair in the parking lot.

“It was all a dream, I use to read {Seventeen} Magazine …  {Tyra} and {Naomi C.} up in the limousine … Hangin’ pictures on my wall. Every Saturday Saved By The Bell, Lisa Turtle’s hair was never in a ball”  ~ Weaven Steven, Notorious H.H.W.E (Habitual Hair Weaver, Extraordinaire)#Remix #BeWeaveIt

My name is The Pretty One and I’m a weave-a-holic. Hi Pretty One. My h-o-c (hair of choice) is 1B Virgin Indian Remy, and when I can’t get a hold of it I do 1-Wet Wavy or 1 Italian Perm Wave. If you’ve never used before, allow me to decipher via our handy dandy quick weave glossary.

Quick Weave Glossary

Hair, There And Everywhere.

The # = hair color (i.e., 1B,2 … 2, 1b/4). “Virgin” = chemical free (never colored, processed, relaxed, etc.) … other adjectives are generic descriptors explaining the texture (Tussled Beach Waves = Italian Wavy Permanent, etc). The possibilities are weave-less infinite. Weave Mistress/Master = a stylist that specializes in hair extensions, weaves and wigs. Ex: Weaven Steven.

The Bigger the hair, the closer to God.

The first time I ever used was in high school.  I was competing in The Miss Tower Pageant and my stylist casually introduced me to it.  “Everybody’s doing it …”  she said. <Insert Multiple Celebrity’s Names HERE> Apparently, I was the last to know that video hair extensions killed the radio star. “I haven’t seen my hair since the late 80s” she said stroking her long sleek pony tail.

I thumbed through my Seventeen and honed in on a photo of Naomi Campbell and Veronica Webb, two of my favorite super models at the time. Naomi’s hair had a generous part down the center and was bone straight. It was settled. And beweave you me, Best.Decision.Ever. P.s., I won in case you were wondering. It was the first of many pageant victories for me, and I weaved it up, down, round and round. Proudly.

I, like other women throughout history can appreciate the freedom a good hair weave brings. Since there is nothing new under the sun, I imagine weave has been around since the beginning of time.

A Brief History of Hair Weave: Weave of Ages

Long Blonde Weave … Check.

Adam & Weave. Eve, clearly bummed after being deceived by the evil serpent and experiencing what could best be explained as killer menstrual cramps was surely seeking a change of face. What better way than to use the recently shed silky fur of one of those adorbs creatures Adam just finished naming; thus taking Eve’s hair from drab to fab! Thank you small woodland creature, you did not die in vain.

Weave-A-Saurus Rex. Cave men and women believed in using every part of animal from the roota to the toota to the yak fur tail. Animal prints and weave go together like peanut butter and jelly. #WoolyMammothChic

Et Tous Brute?

Let me Bang(s)?

The original version of Julius Caesar took place in a hair salon off Crenshaw in Santorini. It’s a well little known factoid that Brutus occasionally wore clip-ins (for thickness of course). Caesar was considering bangs and looked to his frenemy Brutus for input. The original conversation was along the lines of this:

Caesar: OMG, Brut … I’m totes considering blunt bangs, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to commit. Thoughts?

Brutus: C, seriously … Stop acting like a little bihhhh ruler, and get a weave bang clip in. Cassius and I have been doing it for years!! Helllloooo

Caesar: Whatttt … I knew about Cassius, but et tous Brute? Et tous. Dayaammmmm.

Silver Locks Rock #GW

Four Score and Several Weaves Ago. Our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, AND a ship full of lace front wigs.

The Great Weave-pression. It was the best of weaves … it was the worst of weaves.

All The Weaves are Brown, and the sky is greyyyy. If my stylist hadn’t seen her real hair since the late 80s, Diana Ross and The Supremes haven’t seen theirs since there wasn’t a mountain high enough, to keep them from youuuuuu circa 1966.

“Don’t Weave Me This Way,” a disco/soul/R&B hair anthem recorded by Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes in the mid 1970s. Due to elitist record execs, the song’s title is lost in translation and later changed to “Don’t Leave Me This Way.”  “Don’t Weave Me This Way”is now an anthem for disgruntled weave clientele.

Weave Itttttt, Weave Itttttt … no one wants to be defeated! After a series of most unfortunate events via Pepsi pyros, The King of Pop was introduced to a 1 Twist Curl.

Ladies Love Cool James and Cool James loves a hair weave. “I need a girl with extensions in her hair, bamboo earrings – at least two pair.” – LL Cool J #RoundTheWayGirl

Hair & Now. Unlike the weavers of yesteryear, today’s weave enthusiasts have got the world on a string weft. Hair stores and the internet (if you dare), offer a cornucopia of bare as you dare wigs and weaves. Whether you’re a girl on the go or a lady lunching, there’s not much a good hair weave can’t fix. Emphasis on good. Perhaps I should have prefaced this with all weave isn’t created equal.

Sometimes bad hair, happens to good people.

A good hair weave can make all the difference. Purchase the wrong one and your mane could end up looking like the back of a cat’s ass. Choose the right one and Al-a Cazam! Your Princess Jasmine awaits.

Extensions are an investment and you definitely get what you pay for. The good news is, depending on the method you choose to (clip-ons, sew in, quick weave, bonding, fusion, etc.) they pay for themselves. That doesn’t mean you get them and disappear into the mist of Avalon for the next three months away from your weave mistress (or stylist).  Trust me, you’ll want to maintain your fierce via bi-weekly appointments. A small price to pay to keep <This> *Point’s to head* – at a 10. Be prepared to spend anywhere from $200 to $2,000.00. If you’re paying the latter, you should be rocking the Blue Magic of hair weave honeykins.

Weave-A-Licious Beyonce’

Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the dangers of weave’n.

Dangers of Weave’n

1. Weave is highly addictive. Highly.

2.Weave withdrawal … At some point, you’ll want to let your scalp breath. When weaved correctly, your natural hair will flourish during it’s hair-cation from heat, the elements, your not knowing what the hell to do with your hair so you throw into a pony for like three 1/2 weeks straight, etc. It’ll be fun at first – two days later, you’ll miss your weave.

Me, enjoying a two week hair-cation

3. Men (Most Men) have a tendency not to like hair extensions. When this happens, remind them how much they love not dating a girl that looks like the little hunched over fella from Notre Dame. If that doesn’t work, remind them of how much they love your lady bits. That should bring him full circle.

4. Bad batch of hair. Remember the whole cat’s ass comparison? Well at some point in your weave journey, you’ll invest in a batch of hair that in the beginning will look like the cat’s meow. *Two Snaps and Away You Fierce* Caption you a few days later, looking like Mr. Loverman – SHABBA! What happened? It was a bad batch b*tch! #HairWeaveProblems

5. The Curious Case of Benjamin Hairless. I can not stress the importance of finding a weave mistress/master. If and when extensions are applied correctly, your natural hair should grow and flourish. When applied incorrectly … See Naomi Campbell’s hair line. Campbell’s hair line is a cautionary tale and should be the exception and NOT the rule.

Two weeks later … Wet & Wavy

As for me … I never met a weave, I did not like. #BeweaveIt


About The.Pretty.One

"I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.” - Carry Bradshaw The Pretty One is the youngest daughter of a former 70s pageant queen and her first husband, a wealthy financier. A former debutante and southern belle, this Steel Magnolia is anything but. A visionary, she is the owner and creative mind behind a successful boutique communications and event firm. But what I really want to do is dance ... and blog.
This entry was posted in free advice, Hair, Hair Weave, High School, Humor, random rants, Why You're Single, Women and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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