The Savvy Gal’s Guide to Ovulation

I was grabbing dinner last night with Little Lord Farquaad (LLF), a former flame/Frenemy with Benefits, when I suddenly found myself entranced by his dark and lovely facial hair.

“Has anyone ever told you, you look like Phillip Michael Thomas?” I probed. “From Miami Vice?”

“Tubbs?” he said.

“Yea, Tubbs.”

“Uhmmm, no” he said. “Why?”

“No Reason … I was just wondering.” Or maybe I was just ovulating.

It never fails … Facial Hair + 80s Heart Throb Comparison = Ovulation Indication, i.e. Party in my ovaries and you’re invited Mr. Hairy Construction Worker that favors Billy Ocean.

I took to the web for some scientific deets on what’s happening in my lady bits and discovered some useless   helpful information, which you are welcome to file under Random Vag Facts.

Getting pregnant is often tied to an abundance of cocktails ovulation and it is important to make sure that you are sober familiar with ovulation and how it all works. Fortunately, I’ve taken the reigns on this one and cut straight through the boring medical jargon. Follow me as I transport us to a little town called Ladybitsville, Population: Your Vag.

We’ll begin with the signs of ovulation and how to track it so that you can choose an appropriate baby daddy get pregnant (or not pregnant) quicker and easier. Guys and Dolls, I present: The Savvy Gal’s Guide to Ovulation. Bom pada bahhh …. bom bom pa da dahhh. Q the slide show.

According to WebMD for most women the signs of ovulation can be broken down into three “Main” categories:

#1 Change in fluid. Noooo … not Bourbon or Gin, you’re so crazyyyyy. What they’re really saying here, is if you’re leaking, your vag is tweaking. Every woman can experience her own type of cervical fluid, and not all cervical fluid is created equal. Ovulation usually takes place on the day a woman has the most amount of wet fluid.

#2 Change in basal body temperature. I’ve got a fire in my vag and it’s getting, Muy Caliente! For most women, you will see that prior to ovulation, the basal body temperature is rather consistent. As you get closer to ovulation, you may have a slight decline, but it will be followed by a sharp increase after ovulation. Or as Nelly put it … “It’s getting hot in your uterus here.”

#3 Change in cervical position or firmness. Think “Solid As a Rock,” Ashford and Simpson’s classic 80s R&B ballad.  An Ashford and Simpson cervix is no bueno! for conception. Instead, channel your inner Prince a la “Soft and Wet.”  When you’re ovulating the cervix will be soft, high, open and wet. Hooray!

Secondary Signs of Ovulation Include, But Are Not Limited To:

  • Baby Daddy Goggles (BDG) better known as an unlikely attraction to moderately vaguely attractive members of the opposite sex And/OR mannish ladies (Think – Lady Looks Like a Dude). Hairy guy in the trucker hat, you’re up! Let’s do this.
  • The incessant ticking of your ovaries biological clock; this may feel like slight cramping or pain on one side of the pelvis
  • Breast tenderness. *Chanting* They’re real … they’re tender … get use to it!
  • Abdominal bloating. Caption your usual 10 pack abs looking more like a case of Bud Light.
  • Increased Sex Drive … snap crotch undies, optional.
  • Is that Sex Liger, pray tell? File Under: Heightened sense of smell, taste or vision
  • You’re down with O.P.B. (Other People’s Babies). Your hormones go all Hand That Rock’s the Cradle. Is that your baby? … can I have it?

And there you have it dolls! Now go make a baby … or not 😉


About The.Pretty.One

"I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.” - Carry Bradshaw The Pretty One is the youngest daughter of a former 70s pageant queen and her first husband, a wealthy financier. A former debutante and southern belle, this Steel Magnolia is anything but. A visionary, she is the owner and creative mind behind a successful boutique communications and event firm. But what I really want to do is dance ... and blog.
This entry was posted in 80s Nostalgia, free advice, Humor, Love, Making a baby, Men, Notes To Self, Ovulation, Pregnancy, random rants, Sexy Time, Women and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to The Savvy Gal’s Guide to Ovulation

  1. LOL! You have oh, so aptly captured this phenomenon. This is too funny!

  2. brown betty says:

    This was great….I often fall victim to sharp physiological shifts…they leave me actin’ like a praying mantis. Pounce, pin, partake, and depart. Thanks to The.Pretty.One I have some scientific context for my predatory behaviors. Thanks, mamacita!

  3. Thanks LTG & Brown Betty.
    @BrownBetty lols at Pounce, pin, partake, and depart. Yeppers!
    Glad you guys enjoyed 🙂

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