I was grabbing dinner last night with Little Lord Farquaad (LLF), a former flame/Frenemy with Benefits, when I suddenly found myself entranced by his dark and lovely facial hair.
“Has anyone ever told you, you look like Phillip Michael Thomas?” I probed. “From Miami Vice?”
“Tubbs?” he said.
“Uhmmm, no” he said. “Why?”
“No Reason … I was just wondering.” Or maybe I was just ovulating.
I took to the web for some scientific deets on what’s happening in my lady bits and discovered some
useless helpful information, which you are welcome to file under Random Vag Facts .
Getting pregnant is often tied to
an abundance of cocktails ovulation and it is important to make sure that you are sober familiar with ovulation and how it all works. Fortunately, I’ve taken the reigns on this one and cut straight through the boring medical jargon. Follow me as I transport us to a little town called Ladybitsville, Population: Your Vag.
We’ll begin with the signs of ovulation and how to track it so that you can
choose an appropriate baby daddy get pregnant (or not pregnant) quicker and easier. Guys and Dolls, I present: The Savvy Gal’s Guide to Ovulation. Bom pada bahhh …. bom bom pa da dahhh. Q the slide show.
According to WebMD for most women the signs of ovulation can be broken down into three “Main” categories:
#1 Change in fluid. Noooo … not Bourbon or Gin, you’re so crazyyyyy. What they’re really saying here, is if you’re leaking, your vag is tweaking. Every woman can experience her own type of cervical fluid, and not all cervical fluid is created equal. Ovulation usually takes place on the day a woman has the most amount of wet fluid.
#2 Change in basal body temperature. I’ve got a fire in my vag and it’s getting, Muy Caliente! For most women, you will see that prior to ovulation, the basal body temperature is rather consistent. As you get closer to ovulation, you may have a slight decline, but it will be followed by a sharp increase after ovulation. Or as Nelly put it … “It’s getting hot in
your uterus here.”
#3 Change in cervical position or firmness. Think “Solid As a Rock,” Ashford and Simpson’s classic 80s R&B ballad. An Ashford and Simpson cervix is no bueno! for conception. Instead, channel your inner Prince a la “Soft and Wet.” When you’re ovulating the cervix will be soft, high, open and wet. Hooray!
Secondary Signs of Ovulation Include, But Are Not Limited To:
- Baby Daddy Goggles (BDG) better known as an unlikely attraction to
moderatelyvaguely attractive members of the opposite sex And/OR mannish ladies (Think – Lady Looks Like a Dude). Hairy guy in the trucker hat, you’re up! Let’s do this.
- The incessant ticking of your ovaries biological clock; this may feel like slight cramping or pain on one side of the pelvis
- Breast tenderness. *Chanting* They’re real … they’re tender … get use to it!
- Abdominal bloating. Caption your usual 10 pack abs looking more like a case of Bud Light.
- Increased Sex Drive … snap crotch undies, optional.
- Is that Sex Liger, pray tell? File Under: Heightened sense of smell, taste or vision
- You’re down with O.P.B. (Other People’s Babies). Your hormones go all Hand That Rock’s the Cradle. Is that your baby? … can I have it?
And there you have it dolls! Now go make a baby … or not 😉