Solve for E(x)

Once Upon A Time ... Circa 2007

I should probably preface this by saying I’ve NEVER been “good” in math. Never. And by not good, I mean I suck at it. And by I suck at it, I mean until two weeks ago I thought the square root of 69 was 8 something … And the reason I believed this to be true, was because I heard it in a Drake song. #TrueStory

I have since learned that the square root of 69 is 3.3333. The square root of 64 is 8. Thankfully, I majored in Communications which affords me the opportunity to make lemon drop martinis out of the cray cray sh*t that happens in my real life (as opposed to my fake life). {Pause for obligatory round of applause.}

A few months ago Straight Eye for the Queer Guy, my ex-boyfriend – slash – the love of my life – slash my favorite mistake, re-emerged from the abyss. *Spoiler Alert* SEQG and I parted ways five years ago after I learned that he “sometimes didn’t know whether or not he liked boysss or girls.” *Note this is an actual quote and not me taking some creative liberties in an effort to create literary symmetry*

As break-ups go, it was by no means a clean one. And I remember thinking at the time that I didn’t know whether I would be able to share all of myself with someone again. I sort of left it all on the dance floor with him *Note there was not an actual dance floor involved … that is an attempt at literary symmetry due to lack of sleep* But I digress …

As I mentioned, I’ve never have been good in math and wasn’t quite sure how things would add up sans my better half. Cut to five years, two states and three ex’s later:

A girl walks into a bar, motions to the bartender for a cocktail and as she waits for her cocktail is thrust into her worst nightmare.  “Do.not.turn.around” my bestie said. “Waitttt … what?” I sing. “Do.not.turn.around” she repeats. “Who is it? A?” I ask. “No” she says … “worse.”

As soon as I heard “worse” I knew. I knew, the same way you can tell a $1 Cape Cod was made with Aristocrats and not Kettle One.  “Ohhhhh” I said. “Yep, and he’s headed this way … don’t look” she said turning my shoulders towards the bar.

I looked. Not only did I look, I baby waved at him. That spastic hand flailing thing toddlers do at people they don’t know like clowns or baby animals – that kind of wave. You’ve seen it. I’m not proud, but it is what it is …

“Ohhhhh my God how random is this?” I shrieked. My voice gets high when I’m nervous.

“Wow” he said.

“I know right … this shi cray! Ain’t it Jaayyyy” And I quote rap lyrics when I have know idea what to say.

“Yea, it is” he said.

“Holllaaa, City of Squalaaaa!!” I quipped.Yea, I was on roll.

“What she means is Merry Christmas” my bestie chimed in and thank God for it, because I was t-h-i-s close to doing a monologue from “The Color Purple.” Harpo … Who dis woman? You said dis here was our juke joint!!

“Yes, tis the season” he said. He was the epitome of composure. A human iceberg. Not at all awkward, until he was. “So I heard you were in Texas” he said … “Ride’m cowgirl, am I right??” he extended his hand and then self five’d himself. Holla City of Squala seemed less unfortunate. Moments later his bestie swooped in to save the day just as mine had and for the next forty eight seconds we discussed everything from Voltaire to Spanx to The Gremlins – which apparently is a holiday cult classic. #Fact

Somewhere in between self five-ing and extreme social awkwardness we were a couple of humans that just happened to have been dangerously in love one summer. There’s a quote from Nicholas Spark’s The Notebook … “The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I hope to give to you forever…” And as I’m standing face to face with my past … this man … this person I wanted to share my life with and raise my children with and I realize that I suck at math.

I am the Simple Jack of mathematical equations. They I say all’s fair in love and math, but don’t take my word for it … Pop Quiz: Take out a sheet of paper, a sharpie and solve for E(x).Image

E(x) is unsure whether he likes Vs or Ps and also has underlying issues with (C)ommitment. However, there is no question that E(x) was very much in love with (P)retty One; so much so that he allowed himself to be (V)ulnerable around her. Even though (P)retty One says she doesn’t believe in soul mates, after dating X, Y and Z she still believes E(x) might be the one.

Solve for E(x).

Bonus: According to Sparks, what is the best kind of Love?


About The.Pretty.One

"I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.” - Carry Bradshaw The Pretty One is the youngest daughter of a former 70s pageant queen and her first husband, a wealthy financier. A former debutante and southern belle, this Steel Magnolia is anything but. A visionary, she is the owner and creative mind behind a successful boutique communications and event firm. But what I really want to do is dance ... and blog.
This entry was posted in Being Single, Break-Up, Fate, Film, Gays, Girls Who Like Boys, Going Out, Love, Marriage, Memories, Men, Notes To Self, random rants, Relationships, Unchartered Territory, Who Like Boys, Why You Have No Boyfriend, Why You're Single, Women, WTF and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Solve for E(x)

  1. brown betty says:

    I enjoyed this post. I can’t tell you the horrendous crap that flies out of my mouth when I unexpectedly run into an ex. Just mortified. College degrees mean nothing when faced with this kind of situation. Seriously, oompa loompas should come out and take me away. Keep it up. I’ll be back!

    • Thanks for stopping by Brown Betty! Completely agree about degrees as well. Funny, I’d had a just in case speech prepared for like the first 3 years and that went out the window as soon as I saw him. And lols, @ the Oompas.

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