1. The Work Place Stalk. Kelly Clarkson once said “Find a need and fill it.” I say find a need and fake it. Say the object of your affection spends the majority of his days begrudgingly pushing briefs at the law office of Boring & Snoozefest Legal Terms, LLC. Attorneys can be tricky to navigate, however even they won’t be able to resist your feminine wilds a la “the bend and snap.” BUT don’t go crazy Legally Blonde … the best way to an attorney’s heart is through a high ball. Private dance it down to Tilted Kilt Pub, get him
wasted a manly cocktail and fake a pregnancy minor legal issue.
2. The “I Can’t Believe You Come Here Too” Stalk. Don’t you just love running into your crush in an unlikely arena? A baby shower … the market … the gym. I should caution you, The I Can’t Believe You Come Here Too Stalk requires a bit of recon on the stalker’s part. Don’t be afraid to really put your back into it and get dirtty – with two “T’s” Christina Aguilera. No — reallllly throw your back along with the rest of your body into his trash. Seriously. One man’s trash, is a stalker’s calendar of events. Once you’ve discovered a loose pattern of behavior … happen upon him within a few days time in a fabtastic ensemble. On your third encounter, playfully mention “This is totally cray! I can’t believe you come here too!!” *Wink*
3. The Tebow Stalk. Take a knee and thank the man … for the hot single guy sitting next to you! Depending on what side of the Mason Dixon you hail from, places of worship can serve as a sprawling metropolis of attractive, single men. After service consider asking one of them to
lay hands on you walk you to your car. Unless, it’s the choir director in which case you may want to invite him out for apple martinis after service.
4. The Google Stalk. Thanks to social networking, stalking can be done in the privacy of your own home, cubicle and/or car – go crazy, mi lady. For those of you not willing to commit to any of the aforementioned methods, the Google stalk is for you. Simply type in few revealing deets about Mr. Right, click enter and away you stalk!
5. The Extremely Loud, Incredibly Close Stalk. Often times, bad things happen to good people resulting in an inexplicably close bond. To confirm, I don’t mean that in a Mr. Penguin always faces north knee cap breaking way. I mean it in a It sucks to be trapped in an elevator kind of way. Consider inviting your crush out for an afternoon of rock climbing and beverages on the outskirts of the city and sayyyy “accidentally” lock your keys in the car. Hopefully he’ll McGruber your ride, working over time to remedy the situation. Afterwards, give him a
bj big hug and offer to buy him dinner as “thanks!”
6. The I Can’t Believe It’s Not Stalking, Stalk. Which came first the stalker or the stalkee? Unfortunately, we live in a world where successful, attractive, heterosexual men are at times stricken with a mild to moderate case of social awkwardness. These are the men who stop you at the pharmacy and strike up a random conversation about floor wax as you frantically search for a box of Regular Tampax Pearls. Timing is everything. Studies (yes, studies — it’s my blog, and I say studies have taken place) show that 4 out of 7 times you will run into this guy again when you least expect it. When this happens leisurely chat him up, neglecting to mention your last exchange. DO NOT ASK FOR HIS NUMBER. He will give you his business card. Why? Because he thinks you’re attractive and he’s too awkward to just ask for your number. E-mail him a cryptic, nondescript message. He will stalk you from there.
7. Jacket In the Bean Stalk. Yes, you read that correctly. The jacket in the bean stalk is an advance stalk that should not be entered into casually. It involves “left of property” or “marking” as the kids call it. Once you’ve identified your crush and have gained access to their world, (e.g. living or office space), purposely leave personal effects in their space. You really want to go big or go home here. Skip the undies … and opt for a framed 8×10 of you at your best friends wedding catching the bouquet or hunting wild boar (guys love guns and dead animals). Other items up for grabs include, but are not limited to Nicholas Sparks books, Tyler Perry DVDs, small animals, throw pillows, your ovulation calendar, tiny lock of his baby hair, etc.
8. Stalk Me Home Tonight. In the summer of 1942, my grandmother was standing on her parent’s front porch when her future husband happened by on his way to work. Alas, the more things change … the more they stay the same. Acting is attracting, I always say. My Gram Gram was obviously ahead of the curve in her day. She was being her usual fabulous self and voila! A Spouse at her house. From this we learn, Being Attractive + Staying at Home (in a highly visible local) = Ring by Spring. Solve for X.
9. A Stalk in The Clouds. Emerson boasts “Whatever limits us, we call fate.” With so many limitations placed on many of us in life, why not stalk for the stars in love. Again, this is not a Son of Sam attempt on my part to have you track down a Baldwin brother. However, if the object of your affection appears “out of your reach,” (and sadly, for some of you he/she might be- #KeepItReal) I encourage you to stalk with an open mind. For instance, I once dated a wealthy, middle-aged, Keebler Elf who didn’t think he had a snow cones chance in Miami to EVER be more than a couple of humans with me. And you know what? Based on looks alone — he may have been right. However, he was hands down one of the greatest boyfriends I ever had. And had he not been
bat shit crazy mentally unstable, I would have married him and bore his tiny elf children.
10. Walk this Way, Stalk this Way. Stalking is not for the faint at heart. You must be the stalkee, you wish to become. But Pretty One, why would change myself to fit someones ideal of me — you ask. Uhmmm Dear Audra Lord, STFU — this is stalking not a garden party! If you want someone with an ass you can bounce a quarter off — you too should possess bounce worthy glutes. If your potential beau’s idea of a good time is snappin’ necks and ca$hin checks! It’s probably a good idea that you can bring home the tofu and fry it up as well. Lastly, remember stalk wasn’t built in a day. Stalking is a way life … if you don’t use it, your abilities are as limp as Heff’s junk in a room full of
hoes play mates.
May the stalk be with you dolls.