A day and a half into my attempt at a passive aggressive break-up and I’ve already failed — Twice. Once, when I called him earlier today and again when I found myself texting yet another pro for “Gone With the Wind.” He wasn’t a fan.
Apparently, I’m not alone in my quest for Mr. Right — not that I’m on a quest at all, at this point. I’ve been on the non-plan, plan since being introduced to Cameron Crowe’s “Singles.” For instance, did you know if you type in “getting over a break-up” on Google, it immediately pulls up articles and suggestions for doing so. Interestingly enough, I found more than two of these results, you had me at one, suggest writing a list of the traits you want in a partner as a way to combat thinking about your ex. For every good thought you have of an ex, you should also force yourself to replace it with a negative one. A reverse Pavlov if you will. Additionally, assuming your mate is physically attractive list 25 traits your “ideal” mate will possess.
And so I did, and you know, it’s actually harder than it sounds. For me, this was a bit like writing a Christmas list in 1986 for the gift that I wanted in sayyyy 1998. What use would I have for hot pink Barbie Tranz-AM in the latter, or the former for that matter. Still, I feel at this point I know myself well enough to know what I don’t want more so than what I do want and today it made all the difference.
NsSA is a good person, but as we already know, in this moment — my present day 1986, it just isn’t enough to sustain me in the future or 1998. So the question ultimately becomes how can I predict today, what I may need tomorrow? Write it down and it is so. Since I don’t believe in superstitions, and this blog is thankfully written under a carefully crafted pseudonym I don’t mind sharing my feelings with the group. And by the group, I mean the three people who visit this blog — thanks Nanna, Mother and Guy from the Piggly Wiggly, how did you find me on here again?? Nevermind.
1. He’ll do the dishes.
2. He’s funny — he doesn’t take himself too seriously.
3. He’s generous — what good is it to have and not to share?
4. He’s successful. This doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s jetting off to a small island in Fiji everyday, but it definitely doesn’t mean he’s at home scratching his
balls head and watching Springer all day.
5. He likes animals, specifically dogs. You dated a guy with a cat once and I think you and I both remember how that played out. Two words — Nasty.Kitty.
6. He’s affectionate. He will kiss you in public. He hates hugging sideways — none of that “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants“ business with this one. If Jay Z can hold hands with Beyonce’ you too can meet a guy who enjoys showing the world how into you he is.
7. No denim shorts — you won’t have to explain it to him, he knows why.
8. He’s expressive. Mystery is over rated. If you want mystery, you’ll watch an episode of “Murder She Wrote.”
9. He doesn’t let the moment pass you by. Mr. Write believes in saying it — aloud.
10. He gives me Sixteen Candles moments all the time.
11. He makes the effort.
12. He’s a heterosexual — (this probably should have been #1)
13. He’s cultured.
14. Speaks with an accent (Accents are hot — don’t judge me)
15. He’s totally fine with my limited sports knowledge and refrains from using sports analogies in regular conversation. (Why should I stay in the pocket — whose pocket am I suppose to stay in anyway … too confusing)
16. He believes in courting. (I will marry the man who brings me a first date gift — why did we ever stop doing this?)
17. He knows when to hold’em and knows when to fold’em
18. He’s over the “Being an asshole is cool” thing and into the “Being a good guy” thing.
19. He can make mac & cheese.
20. He plays fair — in life and in love.
21. He has his own circle of friends (and they’re
not d-bags good guys)
22. He’s well spoken — He can keep up.
23. He’s respectful of me, my time and my feelings
24. He has my back; he’s dependable. File under Yah-Mo Be there.
25. Appreciates a good stache.
Here’s hoping dolls 😉