No Hands.No Feet. No Fetus.

What is it about a pregnancy or engagement that draws unsolicited correspondence? Don’t get me wrong, I am the first person to offer a heartfelt mazel tov! But so help me Prada, enough is enough (yes, I’m talking to YOU – Suzy Homemaker).

Suzy Homemaker and I have known each other for a few years. We met my senior year of college during a summer internship and thanks to every social networking site we remain in touch. And by in touch I mean I wished her a happy birthday six months ago.

A few days ago I logged on to find that she’d tagged me along with 50+ friends in a grainy black and white photo. Not just any photo, but a photo of what looked like a tiny white peanut. The photo caption beneath read “Look what we did ya’ll!!!! 3 Weeks and 2 Days”

“That’s awesome!” I typed. “You’re going to make a great mommy-so sweet.” I then un-tagged myself from the photo and continued to go on about my foot lose and fetus fancy free life. Which I love. I did think it was awesome she was preggo and I do believe that she’ll make an awesome mommy. She definitely has the mom gene. And you know what, I stand behind my comments completely. However, what I don’t stand behind is the day-by-day TMI incessant embryo updates continuously showing up in my feed.

"Look what we did ya'll! 3 weeks 2 days "

 * 12:31 PM Suzy Homemaker – OMG ya’ll pregnancy is so hard ya’ll … Have to pee every two seconds. Crazy 😦

 * 12:46 PM Suzy Homemaker’s hubby is so mean ya’ll!!!!!!!!! He won’t talk to the belly 😦

 * 12:51 PM Suzy Homemaker – FB what do ya’ll think about the name Mannigan for a girl? Hubby says he hates it.

 * 12:57 PM Suzy Homemaker can’t stop thinking about fried pickles … do ya’ll know where I can find some … inbox me

 * 12:59 PM Suzy Homemaker why do they call it morning sickness if it last all day ya’ll. It’s so hard.

 * 1:03 PM Suzy Homemaker’s hubby won’t rub my feet ya’ll – can’t believe we have 8 long months of this 😦

Cheese and rice Suzy, are you serious? Can “the belly” grow a limb or sprout nipples or junk. Can it do something – do ANYTHING worthy of a real shout out?

 Zsa Zsa Gabarkley, my shih tzu, is learning how to open doors but do you see me shouting it from the roof tops? I had an amazing baja fish taco Sunday night. It was like Cinco de Mayo in my mouth. Did I take a photo and tag you in it? No I did not. And do you know why Suzy? Because I assumed you honestly wouldn’t give a f*ck. That’s why!

I’m  psyched you’re preggo doll. Honestly I am. I think there’s no greater gift in this world, except maybe a Hermes Berkin bag or perhaps a flawless cushion cut from Harry Winston. Oh, and cupcakes from Sprinkles – they are soooo good. But hey- a baby is a pretty rad second … if that’s what you’re into, ride it until the wheels fall off.

But in the mean time, repeat this to yourself whenever you feel the need to send out 10 gazillion message and include me in them. NO hands – NO feet – NO fetus. Say it constantly or at least until the end of your second quarter (you know what I mean). Until that little white peanut resembles something other than a little white peanut, lose my Facebook. 

And in the name of all that is holy, stop calling your husband “hubby.” He’s not a teddy bear – he’s a man and he has a name! Plus it sounds stupid.

 Xox, The Pretty One.


About The.Pretty.One

"I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.” - Carry Bradshaw The Pretty One is the youngest daughter of a former 70s pageant queen and her first husband, a wealthy financier. A former debutante and southern belle, this Steel Magnolia is anything but. A visionary, she is the owner and creative mind behind a successful boutique communications and event firm. But what I really want to do is dance ... and blog.
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