Wife or Death Situation …

A few days ago a man I’d become rather fond of died alone in his house at the age of 40. By most people’s standards W may not have been the picture of health, however one might argue that he was the picture of a life well-lived.

He was handsome … well-spoken … cultured and at times quite charming in his own right. Our paths had crossed several years ago at the home of NSSA (Not So Starving Artist) during an Iron Bowl party #RollTide. I was arm deep into a bag of Oreos when I felt the bag closing over my hand. I looked up only to find a stocky, Rolex wearing schlub staring me down. It was W and in that moment I instantly knew that he was the heir to the Summer’s Eve fortune “peculiar” which is just a nice southern way of calling someone an “a**hole.” W was an attorney, from LA (Lower Alabama) that loved expensive alcohol, watches, young blondes and his dog (not in that order). People either loved him or they hated him; there was no in between.

Eventually, and I’m not sure how it happened, W won me over in spite of the fact that I reminded him of our past encounter for at least 2 years after the incident. Thankfully, it became a joke and ultimately our meet cute story. I grew to genuinely like him, though admittedly I’m not sure if I ever really knew him. Then again, do you ever really know someone?

A couple of years ago W convinced me to introduce him to Cici, my younger sister. While she wasn’t blonde, she was young. W liked them young and dumb and full of … anything except life experience. He believed “women in their late 20s and early 30’s were somehow tainted by the men they’d met along the way.” He preferred his women fresh out of undergrad – the fresher, the better.

NSSA said it would never work, that W and Cici were too different. He was right. They didn’t last 5 minutes. W had expected to meet the early 20’s, non-tainted version of me. Instead he met Cici, who can best be described as a combination between a Barbie doll and an extra from Bad Girl’s Club. W was looking for a senator’s wife and Cici’s more like a Basketball Wives kinda girl. But I digress …

About a year after that, we both found ourselves at a frenemy’s house during a cook off and W, half a bottle of scotch in, decided it was a good occasion to profess his love for me. “We would make an amazing couple” he said. “You’re exactly what I need … you’re perfect for me.”

“And you are drunk W!” I smiled. He was right, I was exactly what he needed; however, he was few years late with his proclamation. And secondly, I’d dated one of his friends and wasn’t going down that wayward path. And thirdly (can I say that? yes I can), Thirdly I don’t date attorneys anymore.

W, despite his flaws was a good man. Did he drink too much? Absolutely. Was he rude? Oh my God, was he rude. An ageist? Chiggedy check. Sexist? At times, absolutely. Could he have used the right woman to smooth out those rough edges? Without a doubt. And still he was a good man. A good person.

W was found dead by LLF last Wednesday, March 18th, 2015. A day which also happened to be my 29th birthday. He was a successful, 40 year old man. Never married … no children. A confirmed bachelor with no prospects in sight, though he had been engaged some years ago to some girl who could have easily played Malibu Barbie in a Pixar film.

Unfortunately, W’s death has managed to raise more questions than answers for many of us that “knew” him or even knew of him. While being single is by no means a curse, are singles ultimately existing in a Wife or Death Situation? God, I hope not.

Posted in Being Single, Break-Up, Dating, Death, Fate, Getting Married, Going Out, Guys, Love | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

That Time I Accidentally Dated the Disco Strangler (i.e, a sociopath)

So I’m out frolicking on crisp January afternoon, minding my own business and having a day date with El DeBarge, my shorkie, when I’m approached by a man in scrubs with spearmint green “Jeeper’s Creepers” eyes. Let’s call him “Dr. Belefonte. ” Featured image

Dr. Belefonte, a 3rd year general surgery resident, is tall and as charming as Rhett Butler (who as you know, I’m completely obsessed with). So charming in fact, that I agree to exchange phone numbers with him with no hesitation even after learning he’s in my city on business (He lives in Atlanta). The following morning I’m intrigued when he sends me a simple text … “cornucopia.” “Cornucopia?” I reply. “The word of the day” he says. “When you use it, you get a point. It’s a game we play at work” “Fun!” And just like that … I was in. A few glorious weeks pass. I’m smitten. Every morning I’m greeted with a call … a text … a note. Dr. Belefonte is the real deal. He’s charming, considerate, cultured, sensitive. He is it. This is the guy I’ve been waiting for. This is the guy I want my son to be like. The man I want my daughter to marry because he reminds her so much of her dad. He’s it. Finally. Not.So.Fast.  

While we are in constant daily communication, Dr. Belefonte declares it is time for our first date. He suggest we see Alvin Ailey and asks me to choose a date from February 11-15th. St. Valentines is one of my most favorite holidays. I love all holidays actually, but I’m a pisces and especially welcome any opportunity to celebrate love. Keep in mind, we’re still in our honeymoon phase at this point, so I initially don’t agree to plans on St. Valentines Day. We agree to attend an Alvin Ailey performance on Sunday, the 15th of February. Well imagine my surprise when he calls me #OnATuesday and asks me to be his St. Valentine. “Babe, I think we should spend the entire weekend together. I have a lot of surprises for you … so I hope you’re up for anything like the Budweiser commercial.”  You had me at “surprises!” Little did I know “surprises” was code for “psychopath tendencies.” Allow me to elaborate … as I’ve now had time to Nancy Drew the hell out of #MyCurrentSituation. A timeline below … with notes for your use and review.

Craiglist Killer Dr. Belefonte Handy Dandy Serial Killer Cliff Notes

1. In the beginning. That time I met the super charming, hella amazing general surgery resident that was crazy complimentary even when I looked a hot mess at times(I’m talking messy bun, gym clothes, sports bra and a ripped tank, I just got my a$$ handed to me -hot mess). There are compliments and there are compliments. Belefonte made no quams about laying it on thick. All I needed was a long blonde weave and a fan and all of a sudden, I’m #Yonce.

Psychopath Fact: A psychopath man immediately idolizes you. You’re the most beautiful woman in the world, intelligent, and unique — THEN once you’re hooked, he cuts you off. 

2. “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.” He’s Dr. Belefonte’ on the spot. Calling, texting, g-chatting, hangouts … he is that guy. Remember in “The Notebook” when the guy Allie should have married tells her how she “never has to call before coming to the office.” My general surgery resident boyfriend is THE nicest, sweetest, most considerate guy EVER. Period. “Good morning bae” (Yes, I was a “bae”) … “Babe, I miss you”… “I can’t wait until I get to come home to you everyday babe!” Not only is this guy sweet, our mother’s have the same first name!! We have eerily similar backgrounds and disagree on nothing.

Psychopath Fact: Like a chameleon, he’ll change his interests, desires, and even fears to match your own. “This is a game of copy-cat.”   “He has no real identity of his own, and so he becomes you and mirrors you back to yourself.”

3. I heard you’re good with your mouth. I’m not sure if there is a proper way of saying this but, Dr. Belfonte was good outstanding with his mouth. And by good outstanding, I mean effing amazing! I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been off the penis wagon for the last year OR if he just knew his way around a vag. What I do know is he makes my top-5. And actually is more like a top 3 because some people just didn’t have a clue.

Psychopath Fact: Best sex of your life? Check! “He will initially go out of his way to please you.” Yes, a psychopath is DTF and they are not playing around. They came to win or rather you came, and they won.#OralOnFleek

4. Bye Felicia. Dr. Belfonte and I were off to a great start. After only a few weeks we decided it was time to officially take the plunge and become more than a couple of humans. We were bowling one night (I hate bowling) and having drinks (I love drinks), when he proposed a toast. “What are we toasting to?” I asked. “Our relationship” he said. My reply … “Wait, what?” “Come on he says, it’s pretty obvious that I love you.” Someone call 911 because I’m dying of happiness! “Babe, oh my God — yes!”  #FML The beginning of the end. I just didn’t know it.

Psychopath Fact: Once a psychopath has convinced you that they are the man of your dreams, it’s now time for them to bid you a do. In other words, once you’re in … they’re out.

5. Well That Didn’t Go As Planned. St. Valentines weekend … Saturday we spend the entire day doing everything and nothing at all together. We went to the Margaret Mitchell Museum and toured the apartment where “Gone With the Wind” was written. We leave the museum and opt for dinner at a charming Mexican restaurant where the drinks are disgusting, but we do have a brief opportunity to name our children (His idea, not mine). After dinner he suggests we go to Dave and Busters — there are thousands of ill-mannered swamp rats children in the establishment (I don’t really like kids… in general bars). We leave. We drive until he suggests we go bowling (again, I hate bowling BUT I like him). We have drinks and bump into a former intern of mine and his boyfriend (they are gay – obviously). The boyfriend is going to med school in the fall. Dr. Belefonte insists that he call him if he needs anything (“books, notes, etc”). A few minutes later Dr. Belefonte tells me he is “falling in love with me.” I tell him I think he’s amazing. We have more drinks and leave. We end the night with his head in my crotch. I am grateful … it was a good night; however, I can’t sleep over because I’m not ready to take things to the next level. We high five and I thank him for a lovely evening. I tell him he’s the #RealMVP. We agree to see each other tomorrow for my “Day of Fun” or #TeamBasmineDay. Psychopath fact: If a guy comes across as too good to be true, he probably is. Psychopaths are GREAT at preying on the emotionally needy, whether they be men or women. For women reading: If he’s EVERYTHING you’ve ever looked for in a man, run. Those guys don’t really exist. Same for guys.  

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6. That Escalated Quickly. February 15th, started out like any other day with a good morning bae text from my smoking hot boyfriend. I had brunch with a friend and was elated when Dr. Belefonte called to confirm our plans. “Babe, be ready at 7:30 … I’m picking you up and we’ll go from there…love you.” Always nice to be with a man who plans dates and not some loser that’s patchworking on the fly. I arrive at my hotel, shower and change clothes. I looked like a little doll in my 60s inspired eggshell white dress with bold, red lips. I listen to Tamar Braxton’s #HotSugar as I finger comb my curls. I also had my manicurist put his initial inside of a heart on my right hand ring finger #TrueStory. It’s 7:30 … No Dr. Belefonte. At 7:48PM he text “Bae, change of plans. Got called in. Should be finished by 9:15. We’ll get to meet the dancers after the show.” I don’t respond. I’m literally in shock. The 8PM show is sold out. The tickets are with him and he’s headed into the OR. I respond “Ok.Please call me when you’re done.” Two hours later … 9:45 “What’s wrong?” he text. “Are you finished?” I ask. “Please call me when you’re free.” “Yo, what’s wrong .. what did I do?” This goes on for 20 minutes. Finally at 10:45 I receive a call from him. I make a point not to raise my voice. He screams into the phone “I AM A SURGEON!!! YOU KNOW WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING!!! WHY ARE YOU ACTING CRAZY.” I ask him if everything is ok and why does he have an attitude? “I DON’T HAVE AN ATTITUDE. OH… SO THIS IS MY FAULT NOW? OH, OK.” Mind you he stood me up, and I’ve simply asked him to call me. He hangs up the phone in my face (-_-). In disbelief I immediately call him back. The phone rings three times and goes to voicemail. I text him. “Did you just hang up on me?” He immediately responds back “My phone died.” I respond “You’re lying, how are you texting if your phone is dead.” “IT’S CALLED A CHARGER!!!!!” My super sweet, super charming, always respectful boyfriend is now talking to me like my name is Dick Mouth, the meth head prostitute that sucks well you know, dicks … for money. Our exchanges stop after this. The next day I returned to sweet home Alabama. I do not hear from him again until late in the afternoon the following day. Psychopath fact: “He silences you over something small making you feel as if you are the worst, most flawed person in existence.”

7. And Scene. Dr. Belefonte never returns my phone call from when his phone “died” nor does he bother to text/call to see if I arrived home safely. He actually doesn’t call at all. Or rather he doesn’t call me at all. He does manage to call my former intern’s boyfriend and invite him to a party at his house in midtown. This is interesting because I went to his house in Austell, GA – a far cry from Mid Town Atlanta. Meanwhile, I begin a little investigative reporting via social networking. I notice that he only has female friends on Facebook, all of which look like strippers or synthetic hair weave “models.” No family members … no school friends (UCLA or YALE School o Medicine) or fraternity brothers (Kappa Alpha Psi-Fox Chapter). I GOOGLE him and nothing comes up. I GOOGLE with an image of his face … nothing. I GOOGLE his parents … son … medical residency program … undergraduate … graduate… NOTHING. I call the hospital where he’s doing his residency. There’s no one here by that name ma’am. I do a reverse look up on his cell phone number and receive a glimmer of hope with a first name (Calvin, JUST Calvin … no last name). Could this be him? Alas, it was yet another dead in. This person, Dr. Belefonte is not a real person. He has no cyber foot print. No proof of life. Nothing. Psychopath Fact: Pathological lying, along with grandiose sense of self worth (SEE- I’M A SURGEON, YOU KNOW WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING). Meanwhile, there’s 0 proof that you graduated from undergraduate, nonetheless medical school. *Note* when I asked to see his credentials he refused to show me the photo part of his id. “It’s boring babe, why do you want to see it?” I wish I could tell you guys that this was all a misunderstanding. That the amazing man I met really is well, amazing. I wish I could tell you guys something light and airy and fun. The truth is, I got nothing. Literally.

William Shakespeare said “Hell is empty and all the devils are here…” I mean, really.

Posted in Astrology, Bad Dates, Being Single, Beyonce', Break-Up, Cheating, Commitment, crazy people, Dating, fashion, File Under Awkward Moments, free advice, Gays, Getting Married, Girls Who Like Boys, Jeepers Creepers, The None, The one, White Dresses, Why You Have No Boyfriend, Why You Have No Girlfriend, Why You're Single | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

That Time I Was Really Happy … And I Knew It.

Hi Guys & Dolls,

Apologies for having not written in forever. To be honest, I was well… rather uninspired. I suppose it’s only right to catch you up on how I’ve been spending my time … I’ll hit the high notes.

2014 in Review …

Got a new job … pseudo dated the Persian (this got weird, like super weird) THEN friendship broke-up with the Persian after I’m told (because I remember none of this) getting white girl wasted at the wedding of a former stripper to a 76 year old Georgio Armani doppleganger, slapping upwards of 3-5 people, falling down steps and cursing out the clergy member that performed the ceremony, only to wind up throwing up in hair (it really is important to have someone hold it back) and waking up disoriented in a half eaten couture skirt #TrueStory … cut off all communication with the exes (Not-So-Starving Artist, LLF and Showtime) … Became a MILF (via a shorkie surrogate) … worked for an psycho eccentric millionaire … quit working for said millionaire … Yep, that about sums it up.

So 2015 …

It’s hard to put into words. Have you ever had a feeling you were in the right place, at the right time AND yet your circumstances were completely contradictory to that? Let’s assume you answer “yes.” Well me too!! I feel so incredibly blessed to have entered a new year with no lingering or residual energies from the past. While it didn’t feel good to severe ties with some people I had in my life, in the end I made the best decision for me. And the result … the result is/was everything. I finally feel like I’m exactly where I want to be happy and healthy and thankful and more importantly, hopeful.

“I wish I could give you this feeling … I wish I could give you this feeling.”

More to come loves :)

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As a New Muvva …

As a New Muvva ...

… “El” DeBarge, the Shorkie, and I would like to wish everyone a Muvva’s Day that is filled with everything that is good and wonderful.

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Spooning Leads to Forking …

Spooning Leads to Forking ...

Let’s Eat because #MisoHungry

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Fleeting Moments …

Fleeting Moments ...

That moment when you remember and then forget again …

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How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days …

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days ...

Text your non-boyfriend a photo of what your mixed-race baby would look like … Sersiously, How cute is my fake son!!! #BlersianBaby #BlackandPersian #SingleAndNotPregnant

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