How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days …

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days ...

Text your non-boyfriend a photo of what your mixed-race baby would look like … Sersiously, How cute is my fake son!!! #BlersianBaby #BlackandPersian #SingleAndNotPregnant

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“The qualities …

“The qualities you admire in your father, will be the characteristics you seek in your husband.”

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Look Forward!

Look Forward!

“Look forward, ain’t nothing behind you but some stuff you can’t change.” – Gabrielle Union

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Happy New Year Dolls!

“Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.”
- Carrie Bradshaw

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{EX}piration Dating – 10 Signs It’s Over.

I love legendary R&B Crooner Johnny Mathis. His toffee skin and perfectly quaffed hair are everything. If he were 30 years younger and a heterosexual we’d probably be married … or at least that’s how things play out in my mind. Anyways, Johnny along with Denise Williams pinned one of my favorite break-up anthems “Too Much … Too Little … Too Late .”

The premise of the song, much like its title is that this couple is utterly Effd  finito. The jig is up … done-sies … roll credits. The  movie ends just-like-this … we are never, ever getting back together Taylor Swift.  The song perfectly articulates what breaking up is all about. In light of cleansing my dating palette for the new year; I thought a post on expiration dating was in order.

How do you know when your relationship has reached its expiration date?

Your lady wood is ever limp. Those butterflies you use to get the moment he/she came around are Noah’s Ark extinct. You feel better when he/she’s not around. In fact, their not being around is a common occurrence. If sharing is caring … then let’s not, and say that we didn’t. Communication is few and far between; you can go days and weeks without speaking. You only “talk” via text. You tell people you’re single. You don’t include them in your plans when people ask … “Oh, he’s busy doing something on that day. In fact, he’s busy forever…” Something’s missing.

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1. You just don’t care. You treat your relationship like the Honey Badger would.

2. You stop showing up for one another. Got a wedding? No problem! Definitely put yourself down for a +0. BBQ at your besties next month, no worries! Count me out hot cross buns. Movie Date? Movie don’t-bother-asking-because-the-answer-is-no.

3. Let’s give’m something to talk about. Your conversations are strained.

4. Dream a Little Dream.  Often times dreams can be an extension of our greatest hopes and fears.  When I was in high school I dreamt that my boyfriend ran away from me when another woman appeared. In the dream, I stood in the center of the floor screaming his name as he darted out with his seductress of the night (too much?). The following weekend we were at a festival when my dreams became a reality. It was bizarre, but oddly I felt like things happened exactly the way they were supposed to. He apologized a few days later, but I knew deep down I couldn’t trust him. After all, it was high school — you can’t really trust anyone in high school.

5. Doubt means Don’t. It sucks when something’s off in your relationship. Especially when you don’t have proof, because let’s face it seeing is believing. Listen to your instincts … over the years I’ve learned that inner voice is usually always right. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

6. LTD. Holding On (When Love Is Gone) *In My Jeffrey Osborne Voice* And that’s no lieeeeeee

7. It’s not You, It’s Me. Last year when I parted ways with LLF, I realized that it wasn’t so much that he had changed … as much as I had changed. Sometimes we outgrow people and relationships. “Keep looking forward, ain’t nothing behind you but some stuff you can’t change” – Gabrielle Union

8. It’s not Me, It’s You.  Mitches be trippin’. Sometimes the other person is just eff’ing nuts. Unless you want to be featured on an episode of “I Survived” gather your belongings and private dance it outta there Tina Turner.

9. To the Left, To the Left. You deserve to be happy. You deserved to be loved. You deserve to be with someone who thinks you’re amazing and doesn’t treat you like you’re ordinary. You’re not ordinary. Don’t waste your time and energy on someone who just doesn’t get it. He/she never will.

10. Know When to Fold’m and Know When to Hold’m. On some level you just know it’s over or as Glenda the Good Witch would say “You Always Had the Power .” 

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If I Were A Boyyyyyyy …

The Flip Side is everything! I am so obsessed with these. Seriously funny. 

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Here’s The Thing …

Relationships, and not necessarily romantic relationships, but relationships in general can be a steaming dysfunctional pile of misery and regret. I read a few days ago “that even business relationships can be unhealthy.” In love and in business you have to make your standards clear because ultimately, the only person looking out for you is *Spoiler Alert* you.

I may have mentioned a time or two that I’m a Pisces. Pisces are said to be “the most emo dramatic romantic sign of the Zodiac.” For the most part this is 115% accurate; however, being a dual sign brings multiple personalities a  little something extra to the party. And by a little something extra I mean the clinginess sugary sweet love and happiness a Pisces can bring to the table can be counteracted by the “F*ck Your White Couch” of harsh realities. And speaking of harsh realities …

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Last night I saw LLF (Little Lord Farquaad), former bestie and friend with benefits. This is the thing that I hate about writing … at times the most important things can seem like trivial matters. LLF in years past (over 18 to be exact) was one of my oldest and dearest friends and then we slept together and basically mutilated our friendship until it morphed into a toxic hybrid of it’s former self. Yep, that sounds about right.

So last night I agree to meet him for a cocktail at a watering hole before I headed to dinner with a friend. The invitation came after months of little to no contact. He’s called on numerous occasions and I, busy with Gulliver ignored his attempts. However, last night I had an hour to kill and at the time a cocktail seemed appropriate. #RandomFactoid about me … I am always hungry and thirsty. I just am. If I don’t hate you and you invite me out for dinner or drinks, chances are I’ll say yes. True story.

So I enter this establishment and surveyed the room for LLF’s petite frame. He’s a little guy with a boombastic laugh and persona. I spot him perched on a bench in the corner and surrounded by hangers on. He recently got a promotion and an added benefit appears to be that he’s gained a small entourage of “Yes” people. Which was precisely what he did not need as his ego is wayyyyyy out of control already. But I digress …

Maybe he won’t see me. It seemed as if the moment I had that thought, a neon arrow appeared above my head. “Pretty!” he yelled, waving me over. “Over here … come sit down.”

Damn It! Clearly he’s seen me. “Oh Hey!”

As soon as I walked over to their New World Order cul-de-sac I knew I wanted to leave. I knew the same way I knew I didn’t like Ashante and the entire Murder Inc Crew. It’s not “Murder” it’s music and you’re ruining it for everyone. Please stop.

“Blah … Blah and Blah … this is my friend Pretty” he announced.

“Are you an attorney?” Blah, a woman I’ve never met asked staring intensely circa Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction.”

“Oh God No” I laughed.

“Oh” she replied. She literally sat there with the most intense look on her face as if she was waiting for me to tell her my last name, social security number and blood type I was just kidding. Never happened. “So your name is Pre-tty right?” she paused.

“Yes, like Pretty Woman … And your name is Blah — right? As in well, Blah?”

She said my name as if it was the first time she’d ever heard it. Trust me, it wasn’t. Here’s the thing dolls … my first name is as common as Bob or Tim. It’s not the kind of name that needs to be sounded out. Saaaa-saaaaa. It’s not even a name that you need to rhyme with a more common name in order for it to make sense. Ohhhh it’s Sailor, like Taylor but with an “S.” No, it’s just a regular name. Unlike her name that consisted of several vowels and consonants strung together to make a name that sounded more like off brand Hooch or a knock off purse you’d find at the swap meet off Crenshaw.

Following that awkward exchange the need to engage Blah in meaningless conversation escaped me. Thankfully sitting to the left of Blah, Blah and Blah was group of “normal” and hot guys. And because I enjoy being in the company of  well hot guys (one of which happened to be an Aussie named Chris), we had a delightful conversation about nothing. And you know what? It was a fantastically organic conversation. None of the what do you do … who do you know foolery of the Blah Blah Blahs.

Meanwhile, LLF who mind you invited me for a cocktail with him sat across from me gazing deeply into the eyes of his minions as they plotted world domination. Truly fascinating stuff, except that it wasn’t.

As I sat there enjoying the company of  my new hot guy friends and sipping the last of my cocktail I realized that LLF and I hadn’t exchanged pleasantries. Not one word after I sat down. Normal, hot guys asked if he was on a date with male Blah. In their defense, LLF and Blah were slide’m to the side close. One thing he is not is gay man. Of this, I am absolutely certain.

“You want another drink?” he asked. Perhaps he’d noticed me fidgeting with my straw or maybe it was my blank stare. Internally, I’d been plotting my escape. A few moments after I’d taken my seat I sent to a text to my non-date dinner date. It was short and to the point … and read “Get me out of here A-S-A-P! This place is a douche-pocalypse! And yes, that is a real thing.” 

LLF insisted on grabbing another cocktail for me. I should have known he had underlying motives for going to the bar. Still the Pisces in me … that part the somehow always wants to believe the best about other people (him in this instance) … that part of me thought it was kind gesture. Twenty minutes and no cocktail later, the reality of things was that he’d bumped into Blah Blah of Blah Meh & Blah Law Group. They were knee deep in conversation about LLF’s favorite topic, himself and “power.”  Yes, power. Power, the ability or right to control people or things is his new most favorite topic of discussion. How to get it … maintaining it … wielding it… Power.

Imagine if the “Devil’s Advocate” and 2013 Kanye West or “Yeezus” had a baby. Now imagine that demonic seed set up a life force inside of one of your oldest and dearest friend’s body. Well that’s is what LLF has become. Meanwhile back at the bench …

I was stupid enough to believe he invited me out for cocktails and conversation about ohhhh I don’t know … not power. Margaret Thatcher once said “Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.” I think it’s pretty obvious he doesn’t give a sh*t about this  is unfamiliar with this saying.

Shortly after I discovered LLF at the bar with Blah Meh & Blah Law Group, I received a call from my non dinner, dinner date. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. I didn’t bother interrupting him and his “friends.” I opted instead to waive goodbye. Would it have made a difference? Probably not. He held up his pointer finger. “One minute,” he mouthed. I shook my head no. “It’s fine” I said. It’s fine. And it really was.

We are not the same people we were 18+ years ago; we are different … and it’s fine.

“Even the sun goes down/Heroes eventually die/Horoscopes often lie/ and sometimes “y” nothin’ is for sure … nothin’ is for certain … nothin’ lasts forever/ But until they close the curtain, it’s him & I Aquemini.”

Posted in Being Single, free advice, Humor, Love, Men, Notes To Self, Pisces, random rants, Relationships, Text Message, Why You Have No Boyfriend, Why You're Single, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment